金美翎:美国双性艺人的曲折生活

金美翎:美国双性艺人的曲折生活


可能到了现在,你还是不理解这些到底是在反映什么?! 的确,这种复杂的画面连他自己都很难解释清楚。然而,这些正是他的真实写照。他就是生活在美国中西部的双性艺人Seth Nayes。

Probably until now, you still don’t know what this story is about. Perhaps, he even has a hard time to explain all the complications. However, this is his true life story. His name is Seth Nayes, a gender queer who loves dancing and modeling.

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Seth: I was raised by my mother, and two of her girlfriends, who are also girlfriends, so I had three moms. And any of the male figure is pretty negative one, which is in my world, the male is pretty negative one, so I always look at women as my lead, just for my perspective growing up as a child, so I think that’s what made me a little bit in touch with that side, and also you are born gay, so I already had one too many X Chromosomes for my own good. So I ended up looking more feminine.    So my whole life is kind of like being a girl, but also I did boys stuff, like love bugs, and bats and stuff. My mom got reintroduced to her high school sweetheart, and we moved to Lac du flambeau Indian Reservation. It was such a weird jump, going to the camping all the time with these three cool chicks, that knew how to pee standing on a boat, they were like power houses, building their own houses, doing everything that men could do, I guess with more of a heart, and without such a man’s ego. I guess everything changed, because all the sudden I was separated from all of that. And my mom gave up my younger brother, because she didn’t want to take both of us on this adventure, she was barely able to keep the house as it was.

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Then we moved to the Ghetto, a street away from the project houses (Low income houses financed by the government) was my backyard, the project house and then the General Store, sometimes I had to walk through that trail through the Projects, just one trail through. I was consistently getting attacked, jumped and never fought one on one, it is always family against family but I didn’t have family there. It was my mom and Mylow, which my step dad ended up shooting him because he howled at night, and now Mylow is gone.  Then it was like a battle for learning how to live. You are in a separate world. Reservations are so sad, but then they made to be sad, there is hardly anything in it.  Anything that is brought there is squandered quickly.  These power figures (people), do what all power figures do and squander all the money for themselves. They screw over everything, and everybody that is lower than them. Just imagine, less money than that, on this reservation, you look like a white boy even though you are a middle eastern, or Irish, I have nothing to do with all that world, and actually both of those cultures should mind their own business, and everyone would be pretty fine, and drunk. Then I learn how to fight. For ten years, karate, Taekwondo, and amateur wrestling, and then professional wrestling because my whole life revolved around fighting, but now my life is all peace and love.

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我从小被妈妈和她两位女朋友抚养带大,这样一来,我共有3位妈妈。因此在我的世界里,我只认为女性才可以做我的榜样,而相比之下,男性就逊色了一点。可能是因为这个缘故,我从小生活在女性的世界里,同时我也多了一个X染色体,生来就是同性恋。所以我看起来比较女性化。虽然我从小到大都想变成女孩子,但我也像男孩子一样喜欢玩虫子什么的。可后来我妈妈又跟她高中时期的心上人在一起了,我们搬到了威斯康辛州的印第安保留地。我的人生跨越很大。以前总跟我的三位妈妈一起做男人喜欢做的事,比如说站在船上上小便啊,我们一起盖房子啊。然而,这一切太短暂了,那样自由的生活不久就结束了。因为经济紧张的缘故,我妈妈放弃抚养我的弟弟。

后来我们就搬到了贫民区。我们居住地的后边就是政府救济房屋,在那旁边就是一家非常简陋的百货店。在夜里走路时,我们一家人经常碰到黑帮的人,在那里,群殴是家常便饭。可是后来,我的后爸Mylow不幸遭遇枪杀遇难了。在那之后,我不得不学会如何自卫。那时候的生活真的非常艰难,有什么东西很快就被抢光了。因为印第安保留地完全跟外界人隔离,像我这样一个白人在那里经常遭到种族歧视。十年间,我学会了空手道、跆拳道等自卫运动。我一开始没想认真学摔跤,可后来却成为了一名职业摔角手。以前的日子里,天天就是打架,而现在的生活却变得越来越和平了。

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I guess I am over it now. I took from it a different purpose;to not live so desperately. It is really hard, because I haven’t ran back home for years. I really need to visit my mom, but it makes me so sad to go back to that place, because it is so rundown, everybody is just stuck there. There are a lot of loving people there, don’t get me wrong, but after rape and fighting, murder, and all the weird things, I just ran away so far from it, because it is not the home that I began with, it was just one of my experiences I had to go through to teach me something and make me stronger.

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Once that happened, I went to Minocqua City, luckily with my best friends, that move took me away from the Indian Reservation and one become a foster mom and took me in which was so beautiful, and my mom let me go.  My step father was very mentally and physically abusive and a drunken person. He was chemically challenged, and he had diabetes, and drinking alcohol on the top of that, and having an anger problem. It was a disaster. I finally had to leave my mom. I would get bounced back and forth between my family members, because there was so much crazy violence going on that they didn’t want me there. But I would always talk to them to let me to go back with them. I had my mom’s personality, so I always talked to my mom and say, “Mom, if you want me to come back to you, I would.”

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再怎么样,那些都是过去的事了。吃一堑长一智嘛!我不想再过那种绝望的生活了。我很久没回我自己的老家了。我真的很想回去看看我的妈妈,可是那里的生活真的很悲惨。虽说那里有很多善良的百姓,但看过种种的群殴和屠杀后,我不得不选择逃离。那块保留地并不是我的出生地,那段经历让我变得更加坚强。离开那里之后,我就去了另外一座城市。我有幸被我的好朋友们收养,其中一位变成了我的领养妈妈。我的亲妈妈也同意了。我的继父是一个非常颓废的人,醺酒、吸毒,不仅得了糖尿病,脾气还暴躁。我的亲人们都希望我离开那里,因为他们不想让我在那种悲惨的环境中成长。但我总想帮助他们点什么。我的性格像我妈妈,所以我总是跟妈妈通信往来。

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I wanted to take over the world. I wanted to go everywhere and experience everything. I wanted to be normal and not viewed as a freak show. Because I look incredibly feminine and I feel that people treat me differently due to my appearance. I see myself traveling the world trying to dance in every single city that I can before my knees go out. To dance everywhere. Then I can know that my feet have “spun” on the whole world. It would feel good and I would get enjoyment from it. Right now I’m a very happy person because I came from such darkness and I want to spread happiness, glitter, fairies and love to the world. I want everyone to love me and each other. I feel like a hippy “love child.”

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我很想踏遍世界、开阔视野。我也想要过正常的生活,而不只是困在怪人表演的生活里。因为我女性化的外表,外人总会另眼看我。我希望在我身体灵活的时候游走其它大城市做一些舞蹈表演。如果我能够用我的双脚跳遍这个世界就好了,这是我最大的梦想。如今的我每天抱着乐观的心态,因为和我不美好的过去相比,现在我这七彩的舞蹈世界让我对未来更加向往。

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Unfortunately doing what I do with my dancing and all the misogyny in the world and especially in the Gay community it’s been a very lonely journey, but as far as the type of person that I see myself with or that would be a good partner would have to be someone that is self-absorbed in being a real man. It seems weird that I would be thrown into a different type of person.

说实话,我这条路走得很艰辛,因为同性圈还是被很多人看成是怪圈。像我这样双性都走的同志想找到适合自己的伴侣是不容易的。当别人对我的性别弄混淆时很容易造成误会。

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I guess I’m like a paint blob that runs off in different directions as a free spirit. I can’t take on all the projects that I want to at once, but my mind is running a million miles a minute all the time – well that’s too fast, ha ha ha. The burlesque community and artistic community is a very fun and magical world. But as far as a love partner, I guard my heart but I want to let everything of me show being a female, a male and they are all the same person that enjoys laughing and being wacky. The world is serious and I’m aware of the corrupt issues that are happening. But I try to make my life full of magic, fun and dancing and try to live it to my purest heart.

我就像泼溅的颜料一样,无拘无束可以走这么多的路子。我不能同时做所有的事,但是我的大脑可以在一分钟之内飞速的旋转。哎呀,那样太快了,哈哈!夜里做舞娘,白天做艺人,这样的生活很有趣。但如果说到恋爱的话,无论我是什么性别,我都是一个积极向上的人。我也是个很现实的人,知道这个社会黑暗的一面。然而,我就想像小孩子一样,用一颗纯真的心面对这个七彩的世界。

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What do I want? I feel that people on their death bed they go through life wondering what other people are going to think of them, like living their lives in a cage like a bird. People are living for the word of what someone said so many year ago (Jesus Christ) but no one is certain what he (Jesus) said.  This causes people now to create hate from his words. We should be working together and the world will not have the problems we have today. That’s what I would like to do, to stand up against those that are on power struggle and use sunshine and happiness to stand up against the bastards of the world.

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我想要什么?有很多人活着的时候都在琢磨其他人怎么看他,一辈子都像笼中的小鸟一样。有很多人都想听从上帝的安排,可他们自己的生活却一塌糊涂。我们应该互相帮助,那样才会减少困难。那就是我想做的。我想帮助更多的人坚信自己,站稳自己的脚跟,而打造美好的未来。   

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